Return to Camelot
"May I come in, Your Grace?"
"Of course, come in, James." Ray placed a marker in his book of letters as James entered the room.
James bowed, looking concerned. "Your pardon, Majesty, are you writing? I can come back later."
"It's okay, James, I was just starting. You aren't interrupting me."
"Thank you, Your Grace. I only wanted to ask if you care for anything before I retire."
Ray smiled. "No, thank you, James. Just tell me, you re-checked your suit?"
"Yes, Your Grace, three times."
"Good."
"And I checked yours too, of course. All is sound, Sire." Ray nodded. "I have polished every inch of your armor as well, Sire." James grinned. "You shall shine brighter than the sun on the field of battle! The Palm banner shall fly victorious tomorrow, Lord."
"God grant it will," Ray said. James crossed himself, and Ray smiled sadly. "I know you don't like to talk of this, but you have my instructions on what to do if... if I don't survive tomorrow?"
James frowned, but dutifully answered. "Yes, Your Grace. I am to write the date of your fall without naming you. I am to have the final illuminations completed, and leave it at your side in the..." He lowered his eyes. "In your tomb," he said quietly. "I have... I have written the instructions down as well, Your Grace. If you don't return, I shan't either!"
"Don't talk like that, James," Ray said. "I don't want you getting rash if something happens too me. Do you understand?"
James bowed. "I understand, Your Grace. And I shall take care. But it is a possibility... so I thought it wise to write the instructions in case..." He trailed off, and Ray sighed.
"All right, James. You're right, of course, and you were smart to write them down. I just want you to be careful out there, that's all."
"I will, Your Grace, you have my word. You've trained me well, Sire. Please don't worry about me." Ray nodded again, absently brushing the cover of his book. James glanced at the book and his expression changed to one he'd first learned from Nate, as the - I want to say something but I'm feeling shy - look. "Sire?"
"Yes, lad?"
"I beg pardon if... if this is impertinent, Your Grace, but... what is it you write in there?"
Ray smiled and laid his hand on the cover. "It's quite all right, James. It is personal, but since I have asked you to take charge of it, I don't mind telling you. It's a journal of sorts. Writing of my experiences, but..." Ray hesitated, unsure how much he should divulge. If he revealed who the book was for, it would be clear the moment James read it that Ray was professing his love for another man. In 526 AD. Of course, he was only supposed to write the date and put the book in a tomb, not necessarily read it.
But what if he did read it, and burned it instead of putting it away as Ray wanted? No. No, James wouldn't do that, Ray refused to believe it. Ray looked up at the young man. "You remember when we first met and I mistook you for an old friend?"
James nodded, face flushing a little. "Yes, Sire, I remember."
"His name is Nathaniel, but he likes to be called Nate. He's my... my closest friend, and I wrote my journals as letters to him - to help me feel closer to him while I can't speak to him."
James nodded again. "Where is he, Your Grace? Why can't you send the letters to him?"
Ray froze for a second, searching for a response. "He... he stayed behind in Japan," Ray said. "Getting letters to him from this distance isn't possible."
"Oh," James said, fixing him with a sympathetic frown. "I'm so sorry, Sire. Perhaps when Mordred is defeated and things settle at court, you could visit your friend. Now that King Constantine is your ally, he could lead while you were away."
"Maybe," Ray said. "Either way, I am grateful I have you to take care of this book in case something happens. You are a good and faithful squire, and I know I can trust you with this."
"Yes, indeed you can, Sire. I'm honored by your trust in me. If... if the worst happens, you may trust me to do as you say. And if your friend should come here from Japan, I will retrieve the book from the tomb and give it to him. Would that please Your Majesty?"
Ray nodded, forcing his features to stay even, despite the sinking in his gut at the thought that Nate might arrive to find him dead. "That would please me very much, James."
"Then it shall be done, Your Grace. Yet it is my hope that I shall never have to perform these duties."
"Mine, too, James. Mine, too." He smiled and clapped the young man on the shoulder. "Everything will be fine tomorrow. By evening, we will be laughing at today's dour faces."
James grinned. "Indeed, I believe you, Sire."
"Good. Now rest, James."
"Good night, Your Grace."
James left the room, and Ray turned back to his desk. He opened the book and began a new letter.
My Love,
The battle for Camelot begins tomorrow. I have prepared our army as much as I can, but I don't know if we can stand against the enemy's forces. We have many brave knights on our side, and Constantine has remained loyal to me despite his former disappointment. But I don't know if it will be enough. I would never say this to the others, but I can tell you. I don't think I'm going to walk away from tomorrow's battle.
Don't worry, my love. I'm not giving up. I will fight as hard as I have ever fought for anything. I swore to give everything of myself to protect her, and I will. This is Camelot, after all, and the ideals she represents are absolutely worth fighting for. But all the same, I have a foreboding feeling this is the last letter I will ever write to you.
It seems strange to contemplate my own death. I wish... I wish so many things - too many to count or list here. Most of all, I wish I hadn't waited until I lost you to tell you how I feel. I have no idea if you will ever find this. You've never mentioned this any time I started going on about Camelot, so maybe that means you never find it. Or maybe you never mentioned it before because it's an anomaly, and wasn't part of your memories when we met. Who knows? Either way, on the slim chance you do find this, my final message to you will be the same as the first.
I love you. I love you, I love you! If the others are still with you, you can tell them I love them too, and wish them all the very best in their lives. I'm sorry if reading this hurts you. But I love you with all my heart. And if I'm gone, just know - wherever I am, I'm thinking of you.
Ray considered adding one last line - wondering if Nate would understand. Assuming he ever found the book at all. The dip in his mood at that thought cemented his decision. He would write it, and Nate would find it, and he would understand. In Latin, he wrote out the phrase he loved so much, and longed so much to hear again.
Te amo ut magnus.