Return to Camelot
Chapter 28 - Drift

My love,

War looms closer and closer every day. I have sent scouts to Arthur and Merlin, in hope that they will bring their knights to Camelot to help us. I also sent word to Guinevere. She is out of Mordred's way on a march to Camelot, and she has guards to protect her, but I want to make sure they know what's happening so their guards can be on high alert.

In the meantime, every preparation possible is being made here. Tristan and Constantine say Mordred cannot hope to be ready until the winter is over. Even if he'd been preparing for weeks before his first threat, the weather is getting worse. To lead a march now would be suicidal for him.

In truth, I have been preparing these many weeks. From the day Mordred left frustrated before my coronation, I have been making preparations. Hunters have gathered food for the cooks to cure and store. Naturally, this is a matter of course during the autumn, but I ordered a great deal more to be saved, in case of siege. Now that war is declared, I have commanded battle exercises every day of the week, excepting the Lords Day.

Tristan, Constantine and I lead these, each taking a company through their paces. If Mordred will dare cross these walls as an enemy, he shall not find us unprepared. But, as well you know, it is his numbers I fear. We have many loyal knights among us, but scouts report that two of our barons have vowed to aide Mordred. They are wealthy and can lend a faire number to Mordred's company. Yet even so

Oh God. I'm freaking out right now. James interrupted me to talk about extra protection for his special armor, and I read what I wrote to get my train of thought, and now I'm so frightened, I am LITERALLY shaking. Don't know how legible this is, my hand is shaking so much. I had no idea I was writing that way! Oh my God. Please, PLEASE, I can NOT lose myself here! If I lose myself, I lose YOU. I'm beside myself, I need to stop and calm down.

Okay. I feel a little calmer now. Lately, I noticed it's been much easier for me to adopt the more formal tone and dialect, but I just put it down to practice. Now I'm terrified it might be time drift. What am I going to do? I'm so alone here, Nate. There's no one I can explain this to, no one I can ask for help! If I tell anyone the truth, I'll be locked up in a very plush prison, and Constantine will take the throne. There will be more confusion, with people maybe doubting Constantine's word that I've lost my mind, right at a crucial time for Camelot - when she needs to be her strongest.

At least I know Constantine wouldn't take it as an opportunity to kill me, but it doesn't matter. Telling anyone, even my faithful James, is out of the question. And what could they do to help me, anyway? Try to convince me it's a delusion that I'm not of this time? No one can help me. I'm all alone. I've never been more scared in my life. That's saying something, considering what I've been through. What can I do? What would calm, not terrified Ray me do?

I have a solution. I have my su technology with me. I've kept it in a locked case since the trouble started with Constantine. I've been concerned about him getting it somehow, but now that the trouble is over, I think I can keep it in a secure pocket. It will help ground me and I won't forget. I wont be able to lose myself.

I feel a lot better now. I have it in one hand while I write, and it's making me feel so much calmer. Thank God. That was exhausting. I'm sorry if all that upset you, my love. I even had to go back and cross out our names. I actually used our real names! I wondered if maybe I should take it out entirely, just cut the pages out. But I think it's good to keep it. Maybe if I look at it myself, it will be another reminder, or a tether to keep me grounded. I don't know. I just know I miss you so much, and I wish this was over.

Enough. James' interruption reminded me of the next thing I wanted to tell you. I've been trying hard to convince James to stay behind when the day comes. But he's adamant, he wants to fight by my side. I told him this will be different than a skirmish against a small party of men, but he doesn't care about that. He told me, "That is why you have improved my suit so much since then, Your Grace." It's true, the suit is practically impervious now, but not completely and that's what bothers me. But when I tried convince him we needed to spend more time testing before trying out the suit in battle, he insisted that a true knight would take the risk.

I tried to put my foot down and insist that he stay behind, but he was beside himself. I could tell he was extremely upset, because he didn't just automatically back down in the face of me giving him a command. Far from it, he challenged me. He told me, "I'm as good with a sword as any young knight, Sire. You said so yourself. And why did you make me the special armor at all if you never intended to let me use it?! I shall forever be the foolish child everyone laughs at and pities!" He actually raised his voice, and was almost shouting by the time he stopped, which was a surprise to both of us, I think. He got really pale and took a step back, then bowed and apologized to me. "A thousand pardons, Your Grace, please forgive me. But... I beg you, Sire, give me leave to ride with you. Please, don't make me stay behind with the children!"

And what could I say to him? He told me when we first met that his one and only wish is to fight for Camelot, and I told him I wouldn't allow him to be used as an insult anymore. He reminds me so much of you, before... well. Before something happened that I can't talk about, after Germany. Eager to prove himself. Ready to risk everything for a cause. And I have to admit to myself that he deserves his chance. I want to protect him, but I respect him too much to hold him back. So when the time comes, he will ride with me.

I'm not too concerned about his dying and you ceasing to exist. If anything, my suit is protecting him, and giving him a greater chance for survival than he would otherwise have had. But between now and the spring, he's going to get the training of a lifetime. He'll be the best damn swordsman on the battlefield if I have my way.

I miss you. I know I keep saying that, but I miss you so much. The closer I get to war, the more I wish I was home, away from all this. It was thrilling fighting for Camelot before. It feels different now. Preventable, maybe? That could be the reason. The stakes were so high before, and now... well. Ridding Camelot of the threat of a vicious king is a worthy cause, too, so maybe it's not the stakes.

I don't know, my love. Maybe the difference is, when I fought before, I had no one to come home to. I had been lonely, unlucky in love, insecure in my own value to the others - assured that my contribution to the future was so insignificant, I could be plucked out of time itself and no one would notice.

Camelot was the one place where I knew I was truly valuable to the people around me. Camelot was a place where I could see I was making a difference. Camelot was home for me at that moment - more than anywhere else had ever been.

But now, I have another home, and that home is you. My greatest fear now is that I'll be killed before I get back to you. I'm getting upset just thinking about it. I'm not going to entertain the notion anymore. I'll make it. Everything will be fine. Everything is fine.

I hope you're okay. More than okay. I wish I could see you. But I promise you, I'll hold on to myself as long as it takes until I see you again.