Return to Camelot
Nate slammed the book closed with a frustrated groan. He'd been through seventeen books and three stacks of historical magazines covering fifteen distinct eras with no success. Like the first time he'd searched this library for signs of Ray Palmer, Nate found evidence of plenty of other anomalies, including the reason for the giant-sized time storm. But Nate didn't give a damn about that. They couldn't do anything about it until Zari got Gideon back online, and Nate wanted to find Ray before that happened so he could make the case to save Ray first and worry about cataclysmic anachronisms later.
He went through another book, but could find nothing out of the ordinary that would point him to Ray. He dropped his head down, banging his forehead against the book repeatedly. A few seconds later, a bottle of beer was plonked down in front of him. He looked up at Mick through bleary eyes. "Thanks."
Mick nodded and sat across from him with a beer of his own. "Take a break."
Nate nodded and took a swig of the beer. He rubbed his eyes and groaned. "I think I'm losing my mind."
"You'll find him, Pretty."
He nodded again and continued to drink. Mick chugged his beer and started flipping through Nate's books. Normally, he would have been annoyed, but at this point he welcomed any help.
Suddenly, Mick sat up and stared hard at one of the books. "What is it?" Nate asked.
He beckoned Note to come and look. "It's Haircut!"
Nate came around and looked at the book. Mick had found The Complete Arthurian Legends - the picture of what seemed to be Ray at a coronation. Nate sighed, disappointed. "Nah, l've seen that before. It was there when we got back from Camelot a few years back."
"Hmm. But Haircut was a knight, not a king."
"Yeah, but-" Nate stopped short, eyes widening. "On my God, its still there. It's still there! Mick, you're a genius!"
"I am?"
Nate pulled the book closer. "I thought this was a result of time still settling," he said, turning to find the caption that matched the coronation image. "Like a potential outcome if Ray decided to stay in Camelot. But it's been years, so-"
"So... this is our Haircut?"
"Exactly! Look at this." He pointed at the reference for the Coronation.
P.379 - Coronation of King Carson - Chosen heir of Arthur Pendragon.
"It's Ray! Carson is what he was called in the other stories."
Mick smiled. "We found him! How do we figure out when this is? Is the caption dated?"
"No, it's not," Nate said, scanning the page showing the beginning of "King Carson's" reign. He read a few lines, and felt the blood drain from his face. "Oh. My. God."
"What now?''
Nate slowly raised a hand to his mouth, pointing at the text. "On the very day of his coronation, after the great celebratory feast, High King Carson did seek to repair his friendship with King Constantine of Dunmonia, but Constantine's ire was too great. He did agree to maintaine his allegiance to Camelot, but refused to swear fealty to the High King."
"So what?'
"I... I'll be right back, just... I have to... check something."
Nate turned away and ran full tilt to his room. He found the special case Ray had made for his manuscript keyed in the passcode and pulled out the linen-wrapped book. Nate pulled away the cloth and looked at the cover. The simple design - the palm frond on the cover made so much sense now.
"It's Ray," he whispered. "It's Ray, it's Ray, oh my God." He scanned through the pages, knowing he was right, but wanting to be absolutely sure all the same. He turned to the crest on the first page the had amused him so much that first day. The palm frond, the scales of justice, and the joined hands. The Latin quote that translated to "Teamwork makes the dream work." Definitely something Ray would have chosen.
Next, he found the illustration of "The Writer's" coronation. Nate hadn't recognized the image in the Arthurian Legend book, because that one focused on the new king. In The Writer's book-Ray's book - the Archbishop, King Arthur and Guinevere dominated the page. The new king knelt before the three of them, with his back to the "audience", but the tunic was the exact same color and cut as "Carson" wore in the Arthurian Legends. Nate flipped through some of the passages, remembering how he'd felt about them the first time he read them, and getting more and more emotional reading them now.
I will say this, though. Spoiler alert - I landed in Camelot. You'll get a laugh out of that, I hope.
~ ~ ~
I remember thinking a lot about you that night. Wondering how you were holding up. How much you were drinking. If you'd forgiven M. for not letting you come after me. But more than all of that, I remember wishing for the first of many, many times, that I had told you how I really felt. That I loved you more than as a friend or a brother.
I've loved you for years. Since before A. left you, and long before I ever met N. If I'm honest with myself, I think I first knew I was in love with you when you came back for me. I can't say too much, but you didn't agree with me. You thought I was idealistic and foolish, and you wanted to punch my lights out and tear your hair out. But you didn't abandon me. You came back, and you joined me, even though you didn't have to, or even want to.
No one - not even someone on our crew - had ever done anything so selfless for me before. We've saved each other's lives many times since them. The first day I met you, you and M. saved my life. And we've sacrificed all of ourselves for one another. But this was the first time you did it for me, and only me - no greater cause, no mystery to solve, no mission. Just me. And I've loved you ever since.
~ ~ ~
I miss you. I miss you so damn much! I miss M, too. And S and A, Z, B and J, and even G and W. I'm living in a literal castle. My bedroom is about the size of my whole condo, and I'm living the life I dreamed of as a kid - except for the mess with Constantine. And Mordred. Well, you know what I mean. But I would give anything to see you all, and be back in my little room on the ship where I can't even stretch out without my feet dangling off the bed.
~ ~ ~
Today has been tough. It's cold and dreary, and everyone is on edge. Scouts say Mordred is on the move with his army, and war is inevitable, in spite of everything I've tried to do to stop it. I keep wondering, if Arthur were here, or S. or anyone else, would they do better than I have. I wonder that a lot lately. But on days like this, I feel like the answer is definitely yes. I'm letting everyone down.
I wish you, or M. were here to tell me I'm being stupid and nobody could do a better job under these circumstances than I have. But you aren't here, and I'm feeling less and less sure I will ever see you again. I'm sorry if my mood is bringing you down. Maybe I'll feel more positive tomorrow. I love you.
~ ~ ~
It seems strange to contemplate my own death. I wish... I wish so many things - too many to count or list here. Most of all, I wish I hadn't waited until I lost you to tell you how I feel. I have no idea if you will ever find this. You've never mentioned this any time I started going on about Camelot, so maybe that means you never find it. Or maybe you never mentioned it before because it's an anomaly, and wasn't part of your memories when we met. Who knows? Either way, on the slim chance you do find this, my final message to you will be the same as the first.
I love you. I love you, I love you! If the others are still with you, you can tell them I love them too, and wish them all the very best in their lives. I'm sorry if reading this hurts you. But I love you with all my heart. And if I'm gone, just know - wherever I am, I'm thinking of you.
Te amo ut magnus.
Nate stared at the ceiling, tears rolling down his cheeks. He held the book tight to his chest, wrapping his arms around it and himself, wishing he could send the feeling directly to Ray. He remembered the close connection he'd felt toward "The Writer" all those years ago. How protective he'd been. How hurt he'd been for The Writer that the true audience for his letters had never received them. Now, to know that "his" writer was actually Ray, and that the lost love he wanted so desperately to get back to was Nate was just... overwhelming.
He opened the book again and looked at Ray's final message, shuddering at his mention of contemplating his own death. He looked at the final words and couldn't help but laugh, even though the tears were still flowing. He now realized he'd miss-translated the phrase. Te amo ut magnus wasn't, "I love you so much."
Nate folded the book in his arms again. "Oh Ray," he whispered, picturing Ray's big, glorious smile. "I love you so big, too."
"What'd you find out?" Nate gasped and looked up to see Mick standing in the doorway. He frowned when he saw Nate's emotional state. "Sorry. What happened, Pretty?"
"I... I know the date. I know when we can find Ray."