“Let’s have a baby.”
The eyebrow quirked up, like he knew it would. “Captain, I do not see how that would be possible.”
“Spock, I’m talking as your bondmate here! You really don’t have to call me ‘captain’ when we’re talking about growing our family.”
“Jim, I still do not understand-”
“Pleeeeease?? Come on, kids are CUTE!”
Both eyebrows went up this time. “Jim, I do not see what aesthetics have to do with the possibility of two males having children together. It is physiologically impossible.”
“Not true!” Kirk allowed himself a triumphant grin, and a little teasing. “I’m shocked that you haven’t been keeping up with your people’s scientists, Spock. Vulcan healers have been working with the Divorians for almost a year on cutting edge fertility stuff.”
“Fertility stuff is hardly-”
“Anyway, they’ve figured out a way for men to impregnate each other! Bones has been keeping me posted on ALL the details, isn’t that great??”
McCoy smirked, and quickly turned away. Spock stared at him coldly, very much as if he thought it wasn’t great at all. “Captain, Lieutenant Uhura and I are quite capable of procreating, should the need arise.”
“Spock, you’re endangered! The need has arisen, like, ages ago! And besides, isn’t it logical for you to make as many babies as possible with as many partners as possible?”
Uhura gasped. “EW, Kirk! Spock’s not a breed-whore, you know!”
Spock actually let a look of pure horror cross his face before controlling himself. “Jim, I must concur, I am not a promiscuous man. That you should have convinced me to expand my sex life as much as I have is, in itself, surprising. However, I do not plan on impregnating an innumerable amount of individuals. To do so would be to introduce several members of society who are all related by blood to one individual, which would greatly minimize the benefits of the genetic diversity that would be engendered by multiple…”
Kirk had stopped listening somewhere around “innumerable”, and he suddenly snapped to attention, trying to forced the glazed look out of his eyes, when Spock stop talking and gave him a Vulcan glare – a slight narrowing of the eyes. “I’m totally in agreement with you. I don’t want you making too many babies either. Only authorized people get to have your seed in them, anyway!”
“Authorized by whom, Captain?”
“ME, of course!” Uhura rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. Jim ignored her. “Just make one with me. And you can make one with Uhura, and maybe Bones, and-”
“YOU LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS! I’M A DOCTOR NOT AN INCUBATOR.”
Jim sighed heavily. “Okay, OKAY, I get it. But c’mon Spock, PLEASE! I want a baby! They’re so cute, and loveable, and you gotta admit, our babies would be STUNNING.”
“You have not yet explained what relevance the potential aesthetic of our children might have on-”
“SPOCK! I’m starting to think you don’t want to have my babies.” He allowed a tear to form.
“Frankly, Captain, I do not relish the idea of pregnancy. However, if you would like to bear my child, and if the procedure will not compromise you, I will impregnate you.”
“Wait, so… you want ME to be the woman?”
The silence in the small room was thick and heavy. Spock raised his eyebrow, inclined his head, and glanced at McCoy and Uhura before regarding Jim with cool authority. “I believe the human colloquialism that best fits this situation is ‘take it or leave it’.”
There was just enough time to register that his face must have turned a bright shade of purple before McCoy and Uhura burst into uncontrollable peals of laughter.
“I HATE YOU!” Spock ducked, narrowly escaping being hit in the head with Jim’s most recently acquired desk ornament – an antique “paperweight”. “I HATE YOU!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!!”
Spock carefully picked up the paperweight, but wisely refrained from putting it back on Jim’s desk. “I believe it pertinent to remind you that you were the one who initiated-”
“DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT I INITIATED!!!” he screamed. “I never signed up for this BACKACHE, and eating FRUIT ALL DAY and HATING THE SMELL OF STEAK! I LOVE steak!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?!?”
“JUST HUSH! Don’t give me any of your LOGICAL… STATEMENTS! GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW!”
“Jim, that is not possible.”
“DON’T TELL ME ABOUT POSSIBLE! GET IT OUT, AND THAT’S AN ORDER!!” He strode forward, and pointed angrily at his own enlarged abdomen, as if for emphasis.
“Jim, you are already five weeks into the pregnancy, and-”
“EXACTLY! FIVE WEEKS! I look like I’m FOUR MONTHS PREAGNANT ALREADY!! YOU GET THIS ALIEN THING OUT OF ME NOW!!!”
Spock frowned, hurt by his words, but reminded himself that Jim’s hormones had compromised his rationality. “Jim, abortion would be dangerous, and I… would not wish to destroy the life we have created together.”
“I see how it is! You love this BABY more than you love ME! YOU WANT TO TORTURE ME!!! Why didn’t you just SAY so! I KNEW you never forgave me for what I said about your mother! You’ve been biding your time, pretending to accept my apology, when all the while you were BRAINWASHING ME TO MAKE ME THINK BABIES WERE A GOOD IDEA!”
Spock was about to explain how illogical and paranoid Jim’s statements sounded when the captain spontaneously burst into tears. Spock frowned again, disturbed by how much the sight of Jim’s pain made him want to cry. He had not cried in over two decades. He put up a hasty mental shield and wrapped his arms around Jim’s shoulders, hoping Jim would not notice his discomfort. “Shhhh,” he murmured, mimicking the sounds his mother had made when he was small. “Everything will be fine. I believe it would be beneficial to remember that I love you, Jim.” He let his shields down enough to add weight and undeniable truth to his words.
Jim squeezed him tightly, with a force that was almost strong enough to move him backward. He cried harder, then looked up at Spock with a huge smile on his face. Spock was confused by the dichotomy of emotions reaching him through the bond, but Jim removed the ability to form coherent thought by pulling Spock into a fervent, eager, devouring kiss. “Oh my god, I love you so much I LOVE YOU! I’m sorry about what I said. Just… don’t listen to me when I start talking crazy, okay?”
Spock allowed himself to smile slightly, which made Jim’s grin broaden to what must have been a painful level. “I… will endeavor not to. But, I believe I will need further reassurance in the form of an additional kiss.”
“Red Alert! Uhura, send a buoy to Starfleet Command and try to raise that ship again.”
“Yes, sir.” Uhura’s fingers flew over the console, sending out their last position, readings, and logs, and she shut her mind off from the possibility that the potential battle might make the pod necessary. She tried again, unsuccessfully, to raise the other ship. “No response, Captain.”
“Damn!” She dared a glance at Kirk. His belly was huge, and it looked like he might go into labor at any second, but he’d refused to stay in medical bay when he heard the ship was in danger. Despite the dire situation, she couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him, wearing maternity slacks with a wide elastic waistband, and a maternity-cut gold shirt.
Uhura felt a surge of protective possession when she thought about the children he carried – three total. The Divorians had decided to “help” the surviving Vulcans by ensuring that multiple births were more common than single with their new technology. Vulcan had never experienced such a high ratio of multiple to single births – indeed, no known Federation race had ever seen the like. Twins supplanted single births as the most common scenario, triplets being about as common as twins had been, and single births being as uncommon as triplets had been before. There were even rare cases of quadruple births reported. She’d heard that most of the Vulcan elders were alarmed (as much as they would admit to such an emotional response), but they could not argue with the logic of repopulating the species as quickly as possible, so they would not discontinue use of the procedure.
“Captain!” She was jolted from her thoughts by Spock’s tense voice. “We are being scanned again.”
“Dammit, why don’t they SAY something!? Uhura, try again.”
“Captain, they haven’t-”
“Lieutenant, don’t argue with me, just do it!”
“Aye, sir.” She refused to allow herself to feel stung. She’d questioned him during an emergency, and she should expect a sharp response. She tried again, noticing that the large golden shirt was now right behind her shoulder.
She didn’t turn, but he put a hand on her arm, and said softly, “Sorry, Nyota.” He projected his remorse through the touch.
She looked up and smiled. “It’s all right, Jim,” she whispered. She waited until his mouth quirked up, then looked back at her console. “Still no-”
“Captain, they’re locking phasers!”
Jim whirled to look at Sulu for a split second, before shouting “Evasive maneuvers! Maximum power to forward shields!” He sat in his seat, and Uhura made herself stop staring at him – at them – and brace for impact. The jolt was nearly enough to knock her out of her seat. She felt the alarm of all her partners, along with Leonard’s confusion and fury. A moment later, there was a call from medical. She put it on speaker without asking.
“Jim, what the hell’s going on up there?! Get your ass back to-”
She cut the signal at Jim’s terse “kill” gesture. “Return fire! Damage report!”
Reports were already flooding in, and she relayed them as briefly as she could. Then, suddenly, was the hum of their own phaser fire. Torpedoes ripped through the hull of the enemy ship, and there was a triumphant whoop from Chekov. She felt, rather than saw, Jim’s anger, and Chekov lowered his head. “Sorry, sir.”
“Let’s save the celebrating for when we’re safely out of this, Ensign,” he said, softening the sharp look he must have given him with the kind tone in his voice. “How many more blasts would we need to rip that ship apart?” he asked.
“Not many, sir,” Sulu replied. “Their weapons are powerful, but their shields don’t seem to be functioning very well.”
“They’re hailing us, sir.”
“On screen.” Uhura turned in her chair the moment she’d put the attackers on screen. The female (she guessed) commander glared down the screen, looking like a cross between a Klingon and a lizard, with long, dark purple hair. She masked her disgust well, thanks to years of Academy training, and waited. “This is James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Explain your aggression, and your trespass into Federation space.”
“We will explain nothing to you, MALE. Prepare for your destruction!”
Uhura could feel the glare without seeing it. “Our destruction? Maybe you want to look at your scans again. We ripped through your defenses with our mid-level fire. Do you really want to see what we can do with full weapons?”
The woman faltered, but quickly regained her composure. “Your threats do not frighten me, pathetic Human! The Chikan do not bow before lowly-”
“Nobody’s asking you to bow!” Kirk snapped, jumping from his seat. “You encroached on our space! YOU attacked US! We’re well within our rights to defend ourselves, and I strongly suggest you think about a diplomatic solution to whatever your problem is, and WHAT are you STARING AT ME LIKE THAT FOR?”
The woman gaped at him for a few seconds more before turning to murmur something in the ear of another crew-woman. Then she turned back to the screen. “You bear offspring?” she asked.
“YES, I’m pregnant, what about it?” he snapped defensively. He’d been fielding that question from every Starfleet official and every race familiar with Human physiology for months now, and Uhura couldn’t stop a small smile of amusement at his open frustration.
The enemy commander blinked at him for a few moments, then said, “We will discuss these ‘diplomatic’ measures you speak of.” With a gesture from the enemy commander, the connection was terminated.
“They’re requesting transport coordinates, Captain,” Uhura announced.
Jim smiled at her, then looked around at the bridge with the same smug expression he’d had when he’d beaten the Kobyashi Maru. “Wow! My babies are AWESOME!”
“And then I found out that he’d known his dad the whole time, and he was so much more… perfect than I am!” Jim sniffled, but kept talking. “And Mom wanted me to have a good life on a solid planet, but… my kids won’t have that unless I leave them or I leave my ship, but…” His eyes filled with tears. “But I don’t want to leave, and I want them here with ME, but… what if that’s the wrong choice? What if they’d be better off on Vulcan? Or Earth? I… what… what if I’m not good enough for them? I’m so scared! And th-that’s… that’s why the thought of going into labor makes me sad, I think.”
McCoy took a deep breath and regarded Jim with a deepening frown. “That’s interesting,” he said. “You know what makes me sad?” Jim shook his head, looking curiously at him through watery eyes. “YOU DO! You know, maybe we should warp on over to Mamby PAMBY Land where MAYBE we can find some self confidence for you, ya jackwagon!” Kirk cringed and drew back a little on the bio-bed. He sniffed again, and McCoy held up a small box of facial wipes. “Tissue?”
Jim nodded meekly, and McCoy held out the box but tossed it angrily across the room. “Crybaby,” he muttered. Then louder, he said, “Dammit, Jim, nobody’s perfect! You saw the other Jim Kirk through the eyes of a man who was lovestruck and whose lover had been dead for years, AND after he’d just seen the man’s reincarnation. Are you really surprised you might have gotten a biased view of the man?” Bones continued his tirade, heedless of his partner’s wincing. “And you’re acting like these kids are never gonna have the chance to see a planet! All we do is visit planets, boy! And what in hell makes you think they’d want to be planetside with all of us out in space? Where would you rather have been? Experiencing the wide open spaces and grass and breezes and whatever else you think planets have to offer, or being by your mother’s side in a tin can just like this one?”
Jim lowered his head and nodded, properly chastised. “With her,” he said softly.
“All right then,” McCoy said sternly. Then he felt the curiosity and concern of the five other people in his head, as well as the mild fear from the three newest people to join the mental party, and he felt a pang of guilt. He slid his hand under Jim’s shirt and rubbed gently. “It’s okay,” he said. He looked into Jim’s still-watery eyes, and felt himself starting to melt. He held Jim’s face in both hands and said, “Remember this, kid. You are not doing this alone. Okay?”
Jim nodded, and gave him a smile. “Thanks, Bones.” McCoy smiled. “Now get me a tissue, you cranky old bastard. And what the HELL is a ‘jackwagon’?”
Jim screamed as loud as he could. Screaming felt good. It wasn’t very dignified, but it was the only thing that relieved the pressure in his abdomen. “Jim, please attempt to utilize the breathing exercises we practiced.”
Jim glared at Spock from the antigrav stretcher. He wanted to tell Spock that this was all his fucking fault, and he could take his fucking Vulcan Lamaze and shove it up his tight Vulcan ass, but all that came out when he opened his mouth was another ear-splitting scream. Spock raised an eyebrow, but wisely declined to comment.
“How is he?” Jim turned toward the sound of Uhura’s voice and tried to smile. Just as he was about to tell her he was fine, his body was wracked with another excruciating contraction and he screamed again. He felt her hand on his face, and heard her telling him everything would be okay. “Take his hand,” she instructed.
“Nyota, he has projected increasingly violent emotions toward me, and I do not believe safety would be served by-”
“DO it, Spock! That’s just part of the way humans give birth!”
There was a hand pressed into his own a moment later, and he felt his gratitude and fear travel to Spock. “All will be well, Jim,” Spock said softly, sending back reassurance and calm.
He heard a door swish open, and he McCoy’s surly growl. “About time you showed up! What were you doing, taking the scenic route? And what the hell happened?” He was lifted onto a bio-bed, still holding Spock’s hand. “I scheduled the operation for next week, and it should have been plenty of time to deliver before he felt any contractions.”
“Apparently, Doctor,” Spock said calmly, “the children disagree with you.” Jim felt Spock’s irritation filter through. “Although Jim’s insistence on ignoring your bedrest orders and sneaking away to watch the latest James Bond holofilm may have influenced their decision.”
Bones scowled and Uhura gasped. “Dammit, Jim, you-” He was interrupted by a well-timed contraction and another scream from Jim. Undaunted, the doctor glared as he pressed a hypo to Jim’s neck. “I’m gonna whup your ass after these babies are born.”
Before he could think of a clever excuse, Jim lost consciousness.
When he opened his eyes again, he was greeted by the smiling face of Nurse Chapel. “Hi, Captain. How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” he said, matching her smile despite the slight grogginess. “Lil’ loopy, but nothing hurts.”
“Good, good.” She checked his readings, then smiled down at him. “Ready to see your babies?” He nodded vigorously, and Chapel left the room. A few moments later, Bones, Spock and Uhura walked in, each carrying a small bundle wrapped in a white blanket, and each grinning broadly when they saw him (though Spock immediately returned to an expression of impassivity).
“How you doin’, Kid?” Bones asked.
“I’m fine, but how are they? What did we have?”
“They’re perfectly healthy,” Bones said proudly. “Two boys and a girl.”
Jim grinned so wide his face hurt. “I do not understand why you refused to let me or Leonard tell you this sooner, since it has obviously brought you great joy.”
“Shush, Spock,” Uhura said, coming to stand beside Jim. She’d also demanded that Spock block her from the knowledge. “Some people just want to wait and see.”
She lowered her bundle into Jim’s arms, and he smiled down at his son. His eyes filled with tears as he took in the green-tinted skin, pointed ears, and round, intelligent blue eyes that gazed at him from under dark bangs. “Hi, beautiful,” he whispered. He felt a sort of acknowledgement, and radiations of comfort from the boy and smiled wider. He glanced up at Uhura, barely able to tear his eyes away from his son’s face for a second. “Have you named him?”
She nodded. “He’s the second youngest,” she said. That meant Uhura had named him herself. “His name is Leonard Seleya.”
Jim smiled again, glancing at Bones. The doctor shook his head. “I tried to talk her out of it,” he said.
Uhura very delicately stuck her tongue out at the doctor, then took the baby away – far too soon for Jim. But a moment later, Bones was there, handing over a second bundle. Jim’s eyes widened. “Identical?”
“Not quite. His-”
Jim shook his head and gazed down at his son. He smiled. “Your hair’s jet black,” he said quietly. “And your eyes slant a little more than Little Len’s, don’t they?”
“Vulcan eyes,” Spock said, unable to hide his pride.
McCoy rolled his eyes. “Little Nyo was last,” he said. “I named him Nyota Shi’Kahr.”
“So Nyota is unisex?”
Uhura nodded. “It means ‘star’.”
“Shi’Kahr’s star?” Jim grinned. “You sure are that, aren’t you, little one?” He felt his son’s pleasure at the attention, and almost started crying again. He gave Nyo back to Bones. “Where’s my little girl?”
Spock stepped forward and handed him his daughter – the oldest. Jim looked down and gasped at the shock of yellow hair atop the little girl’s head. She, too, regarded him with cool eyes not quite as slant as Nyo’s, but not as round as Len’s. Her eyes were almost black, and while her brothers had small, thin mouths, her mouth resembled his own almost exactly. He smiled at her, and she smiled back, making him gasp again. “Awesome,” he breathed. He looked up at Spock. “You sure you don’t want to help me name her?”
“All of our children will bear my name, Jim. I do not see the logic in also choosing her familiar name. I am pleased with the names Leonard and Nyota have chosen, and I am content to accept your name for our daughter.”
Jim was tempted to tell Spock that by his logic, it wasn’t fair for him to participate in choosing the first names, either, but he left it alone. He smiled down at her again. “I love you, baby,” he said, feeling the familiar affection he’d felt from inside him since the babies were six weeks old. “Wanna get named after Daddy?” She smiled again at his amusement, and he felt the confusion of his mates when he blocked the reason for it from all but the babies.
Spock looked down at the announcement that flashed across his pad, and had to work hard to quell his mingled amusement and equally strong levels of irritation.
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me,” McCoy groaned.
He felt Uhura’s shock, then heard her begin one of her uncontrolled laughing fits. Elsewhere, he knew that Jim was also laughing in an equally uncontrolled fashion.
To: Enterprise Crew All
Fr: Captain James T. Kirk
S'chn T'gai Spock, James Tiberius Kirk, Leonard Harris McCoy and Nyota Uhura are proud to announce the birth of their three healthy, beautiful children. Please join us in two weeks in Recreation Hall 1 at 0900 (Beta/Delta) and/or 1600 (Gamma/Alpha) to celebrate the newest members of the Enterprise family:
S'chn T'gai Leonard Seleya Kirk
S'chn T'gai T’Awesome Amanda Kirk
RSVP not required