Lt. Cmdr. Spock
Personal Log 0104a (supplemental)
He is not at peace, even under a sleep induced by sedatives. He frowns, and shifts slightly, perhaps troubled by unpleasant dreams. I will not wake him, as it will be better for him to wake naturally, and slowly. I find that I am keenly aware of the time it has been since I have been alone with him. Eight days, nine hours, twenty-three point seven minutes. My control over my emotions has become increasingly, and alarmingly limited during this period. I... desire... much. His touch. His happiness. His forgiveness. It is illogical to feel a need for forgiveness when one has not caused offense, but I cannot deny this emotional sensation.
I am also aware of a strong sense of what must be termed "nervousness". I am filled with anxious anticipation of the moment when he awakes. He may reject my presence. If my appearance reminds him of an unpleasant experience during the most recent crisis, it is likely that he will ask me to leave. I anticipate an unpleasant emotional reaction following such a request, which I do not believe I will have the ability to control in my present condition. I find that the anxiety caused by the prospect of rejection is extremely distasteful, and causes both physiological and psychological reactions which are illogical, since the event has not, and may not, occur. However, the sensation is also undeniable.
Engaging in dialogue with him after so long, and suspecting what I do, will no doubt be a daunting task. I believe this feeling of "nervousness" may also be rooted in the fact that I have not yet found a suitable method for calculating the likely success or failure of interactions with humans. Human emotions are as unpredictable as those of my own distant ancestors. I have learned through interaction with my shipmates that, while certain situations and statements are likely to elicit specific emotional responses, predicting emotional response in humans with more than one variable is nearly impossible. Without definite knowledge of the events prior to his return, I am unable to determine the likely success of my attempts to connect with him. This uncertainty is working to increase my anxiety.
I believe a wise course of action would be to attempt to meditate. My attempts for the past three days have been unsuccessful, but my increasing anxiety is creating an extremely unpleasant emotional imbalance, along with the physical sensation of mild nausea. I must hope that the attempt to meditate will have a calming effect, so that when he awakes, I will be better prepared for what may occur.